If You’re Anxious About Preschool, Read This. Insights from My Meeting with Erica Komisar
As we prepare to apply to preschool for next year, I was feeling very overwhelmed by the idea of sending my gentle, kind hearted son out into the world. I’m sure that I’m not alone in feeling this way, as I’ve recently heard from lots of moms about their concerns. So, I did what I always do and dove deeply into the topic to work through my worries. I hope this blog leaves you feeling some relief, just as it did for me.
I had a great meeting this week with Erica Komisar to discuss navigating preschool. For those who do not know Erica, she is a parent guidance expert, psychoanalyst, and clinical social worker with 30 years of experience. Erica is a strong advocate for children, responsive parenting, and secure attachments and relationships.
I feel so privileged to be learning from some incredible trailblazers as we raise our son. I want him to have the best possible life, not in terms of prestige, but in terms of giving him the greatest chance to become his truest, most authentic self.
Looking at school through the lens of society today makes me anxious. We are often placing children into rigid systems when their brains are not yet developed to focus in the ways we expect of them. Then we are quick to punish them, label them as disabled, or medicate them if they do not conform to the structure.
I realize not everyone has access to school choice or the option to keep their child home for the first three years of life. For those who do not, this information is still helpful so you can navigate the system as intentionally as possible.
Below are some takeaways I want all parents to know to give their children the best chance of thriving in school environments.
Ask the preschool about their separation policy. A nurturing environment allows for gradual separation over a week or two for kids who need it. This looks like parents staying close by after drop off, such as sitting right outside the classroom or gradually moving to sit in the parking lot before eventually dropping off and leaving immediately.
From ages three to five, Erica recommends half day programs, then transition to full day programs at age five. Use preschool to assess what type of student your child is so that you can choose a kindergarten that emphasizes their talents and interests.
Look for a play based curriculum. Play is how children learn. Exploration and hands on, progressive approaches to education are most aligned with brain development. Being outside is extremely important for learning and growth in countless ways.
Rigid academic structures before the age of seven are actually counterintuitive to long term academic success. A model that gradually introduces academics by second grade provides a strong foundation.
Ask what happens if a child does not fit neatly into the structure. Are they shamed or punished, or is there an effort to understand and support them in integrating differently?
Ask how bullying and teasing are handled.
Ask about the student to teacher ratio. You want several teachers and a small class size so that each child receives enough attention.
Erica shared that ADHD is often overdiagnosed, and true cases are less common than we think. Highly stressed children are frequently mistaken as having ADD or ADHD. Erica suggests being evaluated by a play therapist to help rule out a diagnosis if it comes up as a concern.
There is interesting research when it comes to single gender education from kindergarten to eighth grade. Boys tend to explore artistic interests when they are not in the classroom with girls, and girls tend to explore interests like STEM when they are not in the classroom with boys.
Finally, schools are often not equipped to handle children’s emotional challenges. That is what parents are for. Our society is relying on other people, teachers included, to raise our children, when parents are the most important influences in a child’s life. I know that it can be very challenging and that parents need more help and resources to be able to be more present with their children.
The children who flourish most are those whose parents stay connected and process experiences with them. Being open so your child feels safe asking uncomfortable or awkward questions is essential. Sitting with them as they work through what happened at school builds trust and resilience.
We cannot control the entirety of our children’s environments, but we can be there for them when they face adversity and through all stages of life.
